“We Just Want to Communicate Better”: A Closer Look at What Couples Often Struggle With—and How Therapy Can Help

It’s one of the most common reasons couples come to therapy: “We just want to work on communication.”

It sounds straightforward—and sometimes it is. But more often, “communication issues” are just the surface layer. Underneath that phrase is a deeper, more complex web of disconnection, misattunement, and unspoken pain.

You might be having the same argument on repeat.
Or feeling like your partner doesn’t really hear you.
Maybe one of you shuts down while the other gets louder, trying to reach them.
Or the conversations feel surface-level, even though you crave more depth.

In this post, we’ll explore some of the most common patterns couples find themselves stuck in, how these communication struggles take shape, and what therapy can actually do to help you move toward connection—not just better conversations.

Two disconnected vintage phone receivers symbolize miscommunication and emotional disconnection in relationships.

Communication Struggles Aren’t Always About Words

Sometimes couples come to therapy thinking they need new tools—like active listening prompts or structured check-ins. And those can help. But more often, the issue isn’t a lack of tools—it’s that something underneath the communication hasn’t felt safe or clear for a long time.

Some examples of what might actually be going on:

  • Unspoken resentment or hurt that’s built up over time

  • Differences in how you express emotion (one person needs space, the other needs closeness)

  • Power dynamics, where one person’s voice or needs take up more room

  • Fear of conflict that leads to shutting down, people-pleasing, or walking on eggshells

  • A repair process that’s missing—so once a rupture happens, it never really gets cleaned up

When these dynamics go unnamed, “communication” becomes a catch-all term. The real pain point is often emotional safety, trust, or vulnerability—not just the words being said.ourself.

Why You Keep Having the Same Fight

Most couples have a few go-to arguments that loop on repeat. Maybe it’s about who does more around the house, how time is spent, or how affection is given.

But the surface content is rarely the full story.

Often, these repeated arguments are fueled by emotional triggers, unacknowledged needs, or underlying fears—like:

  • “Am I still important to you?”

  • “Do you respect me?”

  • “Are you really here with me, or am I doing this alone?”

When those deeper needs go unspoken or unrecognized, the same surface argument will keep coming back—not because you don’t love each other, but because the core issue hasn’t been tended to.

Therapy Helps You Slow Down the Pattern

Two people sit side by side on a bed, gently holding hands, symbolizing emotional repair and connection after conflict.

In couples therapy, we don’t just focus on what you’re saying—we look at the how, when, and why underneath it. That might sound subtle, but it can be a game-changer.

What therapy can help you do:

  • Notice when you’re stuck in a reactive loop

  • Learn to name your feelings without blaming your partner

  • Understand each other’s attachment styles and emotional responses

  • Create safety around hard conversations

  • Repair after rupture—not just move on and hope it doesn’t happen again

Good communication isn’t just about saying the right thing. It’s about feeling safe enough to say the real thing—and trust that you’ll be met with care, not criticism.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Just Stuck

If you’ve felt like you and your partner keep missing each other, or like every conversation turns into a misunderstanding, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It just means there are patterns at play that need attention.

Most couples never learned how to do this. Many of us weren’t taught how to stay connected through conflict. And when emotions run high, it’s easy to get pulled into survival mode—defend, withdraw, explode, shut down.

Therapy helps you build something different: a foundation where both of you feel seen, valued, and safe enough to stay in it, even when it’s hard

Final Thoughts: It’s Not Just About Talking—It’s About Feeling Understood

If you and your partner have been saying “we want to work on communication,” you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common—and most important—needs in a relationship.

But meaningful change doesn’t come from talking more. It comes from learning how to connect more.

Whether you’re navigating frequent arguments, feeling emotionally distant, or just don’t know how to get back on the same page, therapy can help. Not by giving you a script—but by helping you understand each other more clearly and compassionately.

A couple relaxes and shares a joyful moment on the couch, symbolizing emotional connection and repair in a relationship.

Looking for Support?

At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we work with couples who are ready to shift out of stuck communication patterns and build something more connected. If you’re tired of circling the same conversations without getting anywhere, we’re here to help you explore a new way forward—together.

Other Services Offered with Highland Park Therapy

At Highland Park Therapy, couples therapy is not the only service offered. We provide a wide range of mental health services through online therapy statewide in California as well as in-person at our Los Angeles, CA office. Other services we offer include depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, stress management therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer IFS, EMDR, and counseling for HSPs/empaths. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.

Jenny Walters