What Is Gaslighting, Really? A Therapy-Centered Look at Control, Confusion, and Rebuilding Trust in Relationships

It’s a word that’s everywhere right now—gaslighting. You might’ve seen it on social media, heard it in a podcast, or read it in a text from a friend.

And for good reason: gaslighting is a real and painful relational dynamic that can leave people feeling disoriented, anxious, and deeply unsure of themselves.

But like many terms that go viral, it’s also been watered down and misused—sometimes used to describe any disagreement or discomfort in a relationship. That makes it even harder for people to know when it’s actually happening… or what to do about it.

In this post, we’re getting back to the heart of it. What is gaslighting, really? How do you know if it’s happening in your relationship? And how can therapy help you begin to repair trust—either within the relationship or with yourself?

Gaslighting Isn’t Just Disagreement —It’s a Pattern of Manipulation

At its core, gaslighting is a psychological tactic used to make someone question their perception, memory, or sanity. It’s not just one argument or one-off lie—it’s a repeated, intentional pattern of invalidating or distorting someone’s experience in order to gain or maintain control.

Here’s what it might sound like in a relationship:

• “You’re being way too sensitive. That’s not what I said.”

• “That never happened. You’re imagining things again.”

• “I only did that because you made me. You always twist the story.”

Over time, this can lead someone to second-guess their gut, their memories, and even their sense of reality. It chips away at confidence, autonomy, and the ability to trust yourself.

How It Shows Up in Relationships

Gaslighting can happen in romantic partnerships, families, friendships, or work dynamics—but in couples, it’s especially painful. That’s because intimate relationships rely so heavily on emotional safety and mutual respect.

Here are some common ways gaslighting shows up in relationships:

• Denying or rewriting past events to avoid accountability

• Blaming you for their harmful behavior (“You made me do it”)

• Twisting your words until you’re the one apologizing

• Undermining your emotional responses (“You’re too much”)

• Withholding important information and then suggesting you're forgetful or confused

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. We talk with many clients who’ve experienced this dynamic—some of whom are just beginning to recognize it.

Is It Always Gaslighting? Let’s Slow Down.

Here’s where it gets nuanced: not every disagreement, miscommunication, or mismatch in memory is gaslighting.

Sometimes, people genuinely remember things differently. Sometimes, they’re defensive. Sometimes, they're avoidant or overwhelmed. Those dynamics can be frustrating—but they’re not always manipulative in nature.

The difference lies in intent, pattern, and impact:

• Is one person consistently trying to control the narrative?

• Are they avoiding accountability by denying your reality?

• Does the behavior leave you confused, anxious, or doubting yourself?

If so, it’s worth paying attention.

Gaslighting, Boundaries, and Narcissism—How They Intersect

Gaslighting often goes hand-in-hand with chronic boundary violations—a theme we explore in our post, Boundaries Are Bridges, Not Walls. When someone consistently disregards your limits and denies doing so, it can create a double-bind that leaves you feeling stuck and powerless.

It’s also a common feature in relationships with narcissistic traits. In our post, Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?, we talk about how emotional invalidation and gaslighting are often tools used to protect a fragile ego or maintain dominance in the relationship.

But whether or not the other person meets any diagnostic criteria, gaslighting is about harm—and that’s enough.

How Therapy Can Help

One of the most powerful things therapy offers is the chance to rebuild trust with your own reality. That might mean:

• Naming what happened without minimizing it

• Exploring how and why you may have internalized blame

• Practicing boundary-setting and self-advocacy

• Healing from emotional confusion or relational trauma

If you’re navigating gaslighting within an ongoing relationship, couples therapy can also help—if both partners are open to honest reflection and change. A skilled therapist can help identify harmful patterns, slow down the dynamic, and begin to rebuild emotional safety.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not “Too Sensitive”

If someone has made you feel like your emotions are too big, your memory is unreliable, or your concerns are invalid—you deserve better. You deserve relationships where your experience is met with curiosity, not control.

Gaslighting is painful, but recognizing it is a powerful first step toward reclaiming your clarity, your voice, and your peace.

Looking for Support?

At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we help individuals and couples untangle painful patterns like gaslighting, rebuild trust, and create relationships rooted in care—not control. Whether you’re just beginning to name what’s been happening or deep in the process of healing, we’re here to support you.

Other Services Offered with Highland Park Therapy

At Highland Park Therapy, individual therapy is not the only service offered. We provide a wide range of mental health services through online therapy statewide in California as well as in-person at our Los Angeles, CA office. Other services we offer include depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, stress management therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer IFS, EMDR, and counseling for HSPs/empaths. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.