Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists? A Grounded Look at Patterns, Myths, and Healing

It's a question that comes up often in therapy rooms, friend groups, and late-night internet searches: “Why do I keep attracting narcissists?”

It’s a fair question—especially if you’ve found yourself in a string of relationships that left you feeling drained, confused, or small. But it’s also one that can be emotionally loaded, particularly in a cultural moment where the term “narcissist” gets tossed around a lot. Sometimes it’s used casually to describe selfish behavior; other times it’s aimed at someone with more serious relational harm.

In this post, we’ll break down what narcissism actually is (and what it’s not), explore the psychological and relational patterns that might lead someone to repeatedly end up with narcissistic partners, and offer some starting points for healing. This isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding.

What Is a Narcissist, Really?

The term narcissist has become so mainstream that it’s easy to lose track of its clinical roots. Not everyone who’s self-absorbed, distant, or difficult is a narcissist in the psychological sense.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. People with NPD often:

• Exaggerate their accomplishments and importance

• Struggle to recognize or care about others’ feelings

• React poorly to perceived criticism or rejection

• Manipulate or exploit others to maintain their self-image

That said, someone doesn’t need a formal diagnosis to exhibit narcissistic traits—a more common experience in relationships. Traits like entitlement, emotional unavailability, or gaslighting can have real impacts, even if the person wouldn’t meet full diagnostic criteria.

Red Flags Often Associated with Narcissistic Partners

If you’ve felt caught in a pattern of painful relationships, you may recognize some of these common behaviors:

• Love bombing early on, followed by withdrawal or criticism

• Lack of accountability—you’re always to blame

• Gaslighting that leaves you questioning your reality

• Chronic boundary violations

• Emotional inconsistency that keeps you off balance

Noticing these patterns is often the first step toward breaking them. But it’s also important to get curious—not just about the other person, but about what’s happening within you that makes these dynamics feel familiar or hard to leave.

Why Do I Keep Ending Up With Narcissists?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are a few possible reasons that come up often in therapy:

1. Familiarity Feels Like Chemistry

Sometimes, what feels like an irresistible spark is actually your nervous system recognizing something familiar—especially if you grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable or conditional. If you had to earn attention or suppress your needs to feel safe, a relationship with a narcissistic partner might echo that early dynamic.

2. Caretaking as a Survival Strategy

Many people who end up with narcissistic partners identify as empaths, peacemakers, or people-pleasers. If you’ve learned to get your needs met by focusing on others first, it’s easy to get drawn into one-sided relationships where your worth is measured by how much you can tolerate or fix.

3. Low Self-Worth and Unconscious Beliefs

Sometimes we accept mistreatment not because we don’t see it—but because part of us believes that’s what we deserve, or that this is the best we can get. These beliefs are often buried deep, shaped by years of relational and cultural conditioning, and they take time to unlearn.

4. You’re Just Noticing Now

If you’re doing healing work, you might be recognizing red flags in past or current relationships that previously flew under the radar. That doesn’t mean you’re broken or doomed—it means you’re waking up to what doesn’t work anymore. That awareness, while painful, is progress.

Breaking the Pattern: What Healing Might Look Like

There’s no magic formula for avoiding narcissists forever—but there are steps you can take to protect your peace and shift the kinds of relationships you attract.

• Get clear on your boundaries—and honor them. Notice when you override your own gut feelings to keep the peace or avoid conflict.

• Heal your relationship with yourself. The more you cultivate self-trust, self-compassion, and self-worth, the harder it becomes to stay in dynamics that don’t feel good.

• Work with a therapist. Unpacking old relational patterns is deep work. A good therapist can help you explore why certain dynamics feel magnetic, and how to rewrite your internal scripts.

• Slow down new connections. Narcissistic patterns often thrive on intensity. If you tend to rush in, see what it’s like to take your time. Watch how someone responds to your needs, limits, and emotions—not just how charming they are at first.

A Word On Compassion

It’s easy to feel shame when you notice a pattern—especially if it’s one that’s brought you pain. You might wonder, Why didn’t I see it sooner? Why do I keep doing this?

But healing doesn’t come from self-blame. It comes from curiosity, gentleness, and choice. The truth is, we’re all shaped by our early experiences, cultural narratives, and unconscious needs. Recognizing a pattern is powerful—but it’s just the beginning. Real change comes from treating yourself with the care and respect you’ve always deserved.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits—or full-blown narcissistic abuse—you’re not imagining the pain. And you’re not alone in wondering why it keeps happening.

The goal isn’t to pathologize everyone who’s hurt you. It’s to understand your own story with more clarity and compassion, so you can move forward in a way that feels safer, healthier, and more aligned.

Whether you’re newly recognizing a pattern or deep in the process of breaking one, support is available. Therapy can be a space to untangle the past, reclaim your voice, and start writing a new chapter—one where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.

Looking for Support?

At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we’re here to help you navigate the complexities of relationships, self-worth, and healing. Reach out if you’re ready to explore what a different kind of relationship—with others and yourself—might look like.

Other Services Offered with Highland Park Therapy

At Highland Park Therapy, individual therapy is not the only service offered. We provide a wide range of mental health services through online therapy statewide in California as well as in-person at our Los Angeles, CA office. Other services we offer include depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, stress management therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer IFS, EMDR, and counseling for HSPs/empaths. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.