Anxiety and Dating: What To Do When You’re Too Anxious to Date

If you feel like you’re too anxious to date, you’re not alone.

Anxiety around dating is common, but learning how to date when you have anxiety is crucial.  Anxiety often occurs in a cycle. When we’re faced with a trigger (such as going on a date), we cope with our overwhelming feelings by avoiding the trigger (bailing on the date or avoiding having dates set up in the first place).

While this strategy soothes anxiety in the moment, it only makes these feelings stronger over time. The more we engage in avoidance, the more overwhelming anxiety becomes. To break the cycle, we have to face our anxiety head-on. Even though this may feel impossible at first, it will become easier over time. Anxiety treatment in Los Angeles, CA can help you face your dating anxiety.

In this post, we explain a few ways to manage your anxiety while dating.

1. Assess your assumptions

2. Acknowledge your anxiety

3. Remember what you have to lose

4. Hope for the best

5. Plan the date

6. Be yourself

7. Manage anxiety in other parts of your life

As a reminder, if you live in California, you are welcome to contact our anxiety therapists in Los Angeles if you want professional help with your dating anxiety.

Let’s dive in.

How to Date When You Have Anxiety

Assess your assumptions

Getting to the why of your anxiety helps a lot. Ask yourself: what assumptions do I have about dating and myself that are making me anxious?

For example:

• I’m an awkward person.

• They probably won’t like me anyway.

• I’m bad at dating.

• We’re probably not a good fit.

When we’re anxious, our internal monologues can trick us into believing things that just aren’t true. Would your friends and family say those things about you? Probably not.

Remember to be gentle with yourself while questioning these beliefs. Think about how you’d respond if a loved one came to you with these assumptions about themselves, and treat yourself with the same compassion you’d likely give them.

Acknowledge your anxiety

We tend to minimize our feelings to accommodate the people around us or shield us from uncomfortable truths. Admitting that we are anxious can be hard. Shame or embarrassment can hold us back from acknowledging our anxiety around dating. However, feelings can get stronger over time when we repress them.

It sounds simple but recognizing that we are anxious can help. Anxiety treatment with an anxiety therapist might be beneficial. By acknowledging our anxiety, we make it real. We take the first step into healing through acceptance. It’s important to remember that acknowledging and accepting your anxiety is different than succumbing to your anxiety. You don’t want to throw your hands up and give up trying to manage your feelings.

Rather, this is about honoring your emotions in a nonjudgmental way. You’re already feeling anxious--no need to add shame on top of that!

I’m anxious about dating. Yup! And it’s okay. Again, keep in mind that you’re not alone--your date is probably anxious too!

Remember what you have to lose

While it’s important to recognize and accept your anxiety, don’t let it overtake you. It’s okay to be anxious about dating--but it’s not okay when it stops you from getting what you want out of life. Remember that anxiety occurs in a cycle. The more you avoid anxiety-provoking activities like dating, the stronger your fear becomes. This means the more likely you are to use avoidance.

Of course, confronting your anxiety is easier said than done--but remembering what you have to lose can help. What motivates you to date? Do you want to find a partner to share your life with? Is it important for you to have love and connection?

Confronting your anxiety is worth it when you remember your “why.” After all, if you constantly avoid dating, you’re missing out on the chance to find what you’re looking for.

Hope for the best

It’s easy to doom relationships before they begin to protect ourselves. Of course, we become anxious when we assume the worst--we embody embarrassment and fear rejection before we’ve even met the person! Having this mindset can cause us to view everything through a negative lens. Is that really the kind of perspective you want when going on a date?

Challenge yourself by imagining that it could work out. You could have an amazing time while feeling confident and relaxed. Every part of the date, from drinks to dessert, could be really fun. No lettuce gets stuck in your teeth. Your hair looks great the whole time. You like your date, and they like you too.

By envisioning your date going positively, you can calm your nerves and even get excited about your date.

Plan the date

Knowing what to expect during your date counters some unpredictability. 

In your mind, schedule the evening:

• I’ll wear my favorite new top.

• We’ll meet at x bar at 6:00 for drinks.

• At 7:00, we’ll head to a restaurant that I’ve been to before.

• I’ll order this from the menu.

Since it’s hard to keep your cool during a date, plan for different scenarios as well. For example, if you’re having a good time, plan on ordering a dessert. If you’re not having a good time or feeling uncomfortable, you’ll go to the restroom and order a Lyft. By planning, you can have fun and focus on the date instead of worrying about the details. 

However, it’s also important to avoid going overboard. While planning can help you feel prepared, it can also provide an opportunity to fixate.

Sometimes, people hyper-focus on small details in order to avoid acknowledging their feelings. It’s okay to plan in an effort to reduce unnecessary stress, but try not to get too wrapped up in it. After all, a little spontaneity can be fun!

Be present

Don’t think about what happened before the date. Don’t think about what you’ll do later during the date. Don’t think about what you’ll do after the date. Simply be present in the moment and with the other person.

Feel free to go through a few mindfulness exercises when you feel like you’re not present. For example, focus on your senses and ask yourself questions like:

• What does the food taste like? Does it taste salty or sweet? What are the flavors?

• What does the restaurant, bar, park, etc. smell like? Are there fresh flowers? Maybe there’s an aroma of fresh bread?

• What can you hear? Are there glasses clinking or people laughing?

• What do you see? What’s the decor like? What sorts of people are there?

• What can you feel? What’s the texture of your clothes? What does a glass or fork feel like in your hand?

Questions like these snap you back into the moment. When we’re anxious, our thoughts fly, and we’re anywhere but where we physically are. Do yourself a favor by focusing on the things that matter most at the time: getting to know your date and enjoying yourself.

Be yourself

Easier said than done, right? But being yourself is crucial. Surrender to the process and know that if you’re not yourself, the relationship will not work out in the long run. Don’t act or pretend; you’ll release yourself from a lot of anxiety and performance pressure. Remember that you can’t be anyone but yourself. Embrace that. Take comfort in something that you cannot change: your wonderful self.

And if the date doesn’t work out--that’s okay! It wasn’t meant to be. You want to connect with someone who appreciates the real you. The right person will appreciate you for who you are--anxiety and all.

Manage anxiety in other parts of your life

If you’re anxious when dating, you may be experiencing anxiety in other parts of your life as well. Reducing your baseline level of anxiety can help your worries about dating feel less intense.

To manage your daily anxiety, try the following things.

• Get enough sleep. Sleep is crucial to our health and well-being. 

• Go to therapy. As anxiety therapists, we’re biased, but therapy helps you manage and understand your anxiety, which leads to more profound healing.

• Lead a healthy lifestyle. Fuel your body with nutritious food. Exercise, whether that be doing yoga, taking your dog for a walk, or taking a fitness class. Being healthy helps you maintain healthy and stable energy levels, sleep, feel confident, and much more.

• Meditate. Meditation is known to have a highly positive effect on our lives. To calm your anxiety, take the time to think and breathe.

• Journal. Process your thoughts on paper. By writing down what you’re feeling, you can assess your thought patterns and leave what doesn’t serve you behind.

Anxiety spills into every part of our lives. By helping yourself in one area, you’ll help yourself in all of them. Learning to manage your anxiety symptoms with anxiety treatment in Los Angeles, CA may help you.

Start Anxiety Treatment in Los Angeles, CA

If you’re in the Los Angeles area and feel like you’re too anxious to date, we’re here to help. At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we help people just like you learn how to manage their anxiety about relationships. To get started follow these simple steps:

1. Contact us to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation

2. Get scheduled with one of our caring holistic therapists

3. Begin to relieve your anxiety when it comes to dating

Other Services Offered at Highland Park Therapy

Our team of caring therapists are happy to offer a variety of mental health services to offer support for you and your family. We also offer online therapy and in-person therapy services from the Los Angeles, CA area, and across the state. You can start your therapy journey alongside a trained anxiety therapist. Or, you can learn more about the other services we offer including depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, EMDR, trauma, HSP therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help you cope with future anxiety symptoms. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.